Fear.
I read somewhere that the words, “Do not fear” are written 365 times throughout scripture. Once for everyday of the year. I wouldn’t generally say that I’m a fearful person, cautious, but not afraid. I realize that I am person of habit. I admit it. I’m really just…boring. I order the same food at restaurants I’ve been to all my life. I hate to be late, leaving early so I’ll get places in time even if I have to wait in traffic. I sit in the same pew, and I use the same flavor in my coffee. I park in the same space and I always choose the second stall in public bathrooms. I’ve noticed these things within the past week or so, and I’ve admitted to myself that really, I just don’t like change. Dare I say that in truth, I may even be…afraid of it? I feel it coming though. I think it’s not really the change that scares me, but rather the not knowing of what will happen next.
My best friend and lifetime roommate is moving out, getting married. Relationships change after that. I’m happy for her. It’s just that…I miss her already. I miss sleeping and waking up to find ourselves holding hands, I miss sharing our closet and I miss the treats she brings home to me. I miss her make up bag and contagious laughter. I really hope that we can both make this transition smoothly. I want her to be married, and I want to step down and let BJ really become her person, because he should be. I am okay with that.
I’m a summertime girl, ask anyone and they’ll tell you that I come alive in the sunshine. I’m going to Washington for the summer. A (very) small part of me aches for the months of warm sunshine that will fly by without me. I find myself feeling anxious, afraid that I won’t live abundantly because I want so strongly to stay where I am, holding onto my little slice of heaven. I want to be a help, and an encouragement, and a joy to be around. I don’t want to be afraid of change, afraid of growth as a person. I want to live the width of my life, not only the length of it.
I am twenty years old. My baby brother is starting Kindergarten. Jubilee is starting middle school. Lerado will graduate soon. My parents are grandparents. I feel like our family dynamics are drastically changing, and that when I am gone, my place will get swallowed up by the passing of time, or that someone will step up and fill it. I recently read that the hardest part of distance is that you don’t know if they’ll miss you or forget you. While I know my family will miss me, and also that they won’t forget me, this still resonated deep within my soul.
I’m asking you to pray with me, for me. I feel very vulnerable and fragile and tender and emotional. Please don’t mention this to me in actual person, because I will feel awkward and I will laugh it off as a moment of weakness, and I will tell you that I am fine. I am fine, but I will tell you that off handily because I’m not as real as I like to think that I am, although I do try. So, I would love to be lifted up to the Father who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
Come boldly, O believer, for despite the whisperings of the enemy and the doubtings of thine own heart, thou art greatly beloved.
— Charles Spurgeon
